What’s the point?

Got this in the email:

A SOULFUL RELATIONSHIP by Rev. Ronald McFadden  

If you’re not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it. An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open; And after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don’t let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem, make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really important. Once you decide to commit to someone, over time his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet
peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you’ve got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together. Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control?
  
What do you bring  to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust,
past pain? You can’t take someone to the altar to ‘Alter’ him or her. You can’t make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won’t find
yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.  Manipulation,
control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship! Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship. What keeps a relationship strong? Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note). Leave a nice message on the voicemail or send a nice
email. Sharing common goals and interests. Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest.
  
You can’t always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don’t try to control one another. Learn each other’s family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless. Don’t put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace the passion. The difference between ‘United’ and ‘Untied’ is where you put the "i".

I have often wondered if pp, even my family for that matter, will miss me when i am gone (yup, more mortality issues). I guess i need not be too worried as i have my niche.

Seems i am the family banker. One sibling still owes me a sum that was to be repaid in Feb. Now, another sibling borrowed on behalf of an extended family relative.

Of cos, i am incapable of saying NO. Though i have reduced the liability by offering less than asked. However, am fully aware that pp can fool this system by padding up the initial request. Let’s see how it all turns out.

In other news, aimless drifting is soaring to new heights (or sinking to new lows?). Now, i dun even have the mood to watch tv (when previously, all i used to do was lie in front of the telly). All i do when i get home is lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling. Then i drift off to sleep - at 9 pm.

Had this big family thing to celebrate the matriarch’s upcoming birthday. As with all events involving my family, lots of unneccesary drama in the runup to the gathering. At the end, i guess all’s well that ends well.

Taking a step back, i saw my mom with her kids, son/daughter-in-laws (except for one who was single - moi! moi!) and bunch of grandkids. I was thinking, if having people around to celebrate your milestones is the measure of a life well-lived, then perhaps my mum didnt do too badly.

First time ever, i was The Man, as the meal was my treat (faux pas - did not realise there was no service charge and hence had failed to tip the staff!).

Feel esp guilty about not tipping as staff sorta made my day … they asked me if i was celebrating my grandmother’s birthday. There were 3 generations at the gathering: my parent, my siblings and the grandkids. To think that they thought i fit into the 3rd generation rather than the 2nd was amusing, since i am 18 yrs older than the oldest grandchild!

The thing that got me thinking at the end was a casual observation. Noticed that my eldest brother’s hair looked a lil different. Then figured out that it was cos he had puffed it up a lil to cover the balding patches. It hit me. My eldest brother is a few years away from hitting 50!

In my 30s, i have nothing to show for my time on earth. When i hit 50 - if i survive till then - what will i have to show for it?

Heard of Charity Dinners? Yah, they are those things (called Galas) where you pay 5k and up for a table for some charitable cause.

Seems some of my colleagues wanted to host a Charity lunch. Totally at market prices, no markup. The charitable cause?

Me.

Yup, i guess i have hit the lowest possible level of patheticity and it must show on my face.

My colleagues who never ever ask me out to lunch invited me to join them. When i saw the email, their bleeding hearts were oozing thru the screen.

Of cos, i said no (and i wonder why i complain i am isolated).

Funny thing is, despite their unadulterated overwhelming kindness, they did not invite that does.not.speak colleague of mine. You see? I wasnt exaggerating when i hinted that he was a possible-serial-killer-kinda-weirdo-cyborg!

My chat/lunch buddy is away from the office for a few days and i am left with one other colleague. I dun think i have been this stressed for some time. At least, not for this reason.

He doesn’t speak. Not as in not chatty, but just as in, he. doesn’t. speak.

After a very lengthy speech from me, i get a monosyllabic response. Even when it isn’t a yes/no question. Like .. what is your favourite colour? … will be answered with a yes or no or just absolute stony silence.

Me being the ultimate talkathon, this is soo stressing me out. I tried to make polite conversation, make jokes, say controversial stuff etc just to elicit a response. But this guy is soo perfect for POW torture. He will not budge no matter how much i push.

So, i guess i shd learn a thing or two from him.

Starting with … i dun talk to him. At all. If i need to communicate with him for work reasons, i send an email. Even though he is my next-cubicle neighbour. If he asks me a question, i try (very very) hard to limit my number of words. Where possible, i try to go for yes/no answers (you have noooo idea how this is killing me!). Eventually he has to notice that i who am overly chatty am not even barely conversational with him.

Let’s get real here. It’s not like he is gonna change. This is just who he is. (or what he is. he really could be a cyborg, he is THAT emotionless) So, maybe the divinely ordained lesson in all this is to train me to shut up. Which we all know i need to.

Now i have 2 guys in my office whom i try to talk to and who both avoid/ignore me. Great.

That aside, luuurve Hush Hush by the Pussycat Dolls!

I knew i shd not be doing it … yet i went ahead anyway. Did something that will cause me depression and unsurprisingly, it caused me to go on a tailspin. Bad enough that i started smoking when i was on a break from it (yeah, i know, excuses).

In other news, no bonus for us civil servants!

Actually, nothing surprising right? Good enough that got job with no pay cut as yet. Guess i will have to stay in this stinking place at least till next Apr when the Perf Bonus is (hopefully) paid out.

Great Singapore Sale is back!

Yet, i have no urge to buy anything!! Is something seriously wrong with me??

Then again, this lack of an urge to contribute to the multiplier effect has meant that i am rich enough to take a trip to NYC! Well, almost. Then again, it doesnt matter. For some reason, i have lost interest in travelling altogether. And lost interest in … well … everything i think. Can you believe i will have the place to myself over the weekend and all i wanna do is … read and sleep. Not even considering going clubbing! WTH?!

All that aside, finally paid a visit to the gym after … forever. And am grievously ill since then! This is a sign i tell you.

Update: Andrew Teng played a remix of this song last night at Play!! Soo impressed.

I find the song Unbeautiful by Lesley Roy haunting. The raspy voice, the almost monotone, make it so heart-wrenching for me (yes, yes, very drma).

Don’t hang up, can’t we talk
So confused it’s like I’m lost
What went wrong, what made you go
Don’t pretend you don’t know
This is me I’m unchangable

When did we fall apart
Or did you lie from the start
When you said, it’s only you
I was blind, such a fool
Thinking we were unbreakable

[Chorus]
It was you and me, against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said
Was it something that I did
Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful

[Verse 2]
I’ve been told what’s done is done
To let it go and carry on
Deep inside I know that’s true
I’m stuck in time, stuck on you
We were still untouchable

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up
Cause I’m only dreaming
Get out, get out, get out, get out
Get out of my head now
Because we’re much better altogether

[Chorus] x2
… Made me unbeautiful

Of course, that isnt the only reason. As you are well aware, i am single but that is only in reality. In my fantasies and daydeams, i frequently date and get attached and have adventures and have fights and breakups and date someone new etc. In my most recent episode, a "down-to-earth" guy dates me and all goes well till he suddenly stops all contact with me. So i wonder just what happened. Hence, i was pleasantly surprised by the way "Was it something that i said/Was it something that i did" in the song, which was exactly what i was thinking of asking that guy.

Yes, yes, i know nothing of what i just said makes sense. It is all illogical. But you must understand that i am a very sad pathetic creature who is in constant depression mode. Forgive me thus.

In other news …. something shitty. I mean, literally (stop reading if you want to).

For about 8 days, i had sorta diarrhoea. For the 1st 2 days, it was like 6 times daily. Then for the next 6 days, it wasnt so bad but it was all free-flowing waterfall. When i finally saw some soliddish shit, you have no idea how relieved (pun intended) i was.

So, i thought it was colorectal cancer (damn smoking!) or an effect of the weight loss pills(!). Hmm, maybe my body was rejecting the idea of my losing weight. I am meant to be a chub after all.

An end to another one of my efforts to lose weight. And now i have got this bottle of pills. Something tells me i just might start taking them again cos cant waste money mah. Worry not, if the Niagara starts cascading again, will be sure to stop.  

So Josie and her Pussycats have been slapped down. The Christian community is reeling in half shame, half relief. The liberals are having drunken sex, the conservatives are crossing themselves, and we’re all happy that Singapore civil society is not always about whether or not it’s ok to eat sharks’ fin soup. Oh the excitement, the thrill, the sight of thousands of women screaming and jostling at a non-SALE event.

Haven written anything on the AWARE saga while it was going on. Not that i thot it was not important. On the contrary, i think it was, is and will be a milestone in civil activism in Sg.

While it raised consciousness at an unprecendented level, i am afraid it may all sizzle out. AWARE is about civil society, but civil society isnt just about rights - it is also about responsibilities. Great that the 300-strong membership exploded to about 3000, but what responsibilities do these people believe they have apart from their rights to their inclusive organisation?

If volunteers for their programmes do not increase, if we do not see more of these people involved in the major programmes of AWARE, then i am afraid we are not as matured a civil society as we might think we are.

The real success of the issue would be when these people who were passionate enough to attend the EGM partake in the programmes and really walk the talk about what they said AWARE means to them.

Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

Nah not complaining again … at least not yet. Am referring to Lily Allen’s latest single "Not Fair". It is sooo good! You really should have a listen to this one. Was impressed from the start with her quirky tunes. This IT gal has certainly delivered, in my view.

Update: Have been doing my part for the economy. Yup, doing retail therapy with facial stuff (even thou i know it wont help), bag, supplements etc. And on the verge plopping down 1k+ for another bag that i do not really need. But what the heck. A laptop, specs, pen, watch are amongst the stuff looming on my relatively healthy credit cards’ horizons

And what is the retail therapy supposed to cure? To begin with, i should not be too depressed. After all, for the 1st time in over a year and a half, someone approached me and i guess it was intended as a pickup. Before you bust my chops for declining the only offer i’ve had, i have to clarify that i just had no interest in this person. I am not gonna break the spell for someone i am not attracted to.

That aside, nothing new.

Oh, i started taking some weight loss pills. Not gonna bother with exercise or diet anymore. If i lose weight, fine. If i dun lose weight, fine. Since no one is gonna care, why should i? (actually, if i dun, then why do i bother taking the pills anyway?!) If there are some side effects that kill me … well … whatever. Just dun get me chronically ill, can oredi.

In one of my earlier posts, i had pointed out that low interest rates are one reason why super-high-saving Sgeans do not seem to have enough at retirement.

I was motivated to save consistently by POSB’s My Savings Account. Interest rates for at least $1500 a month was at about 1.5% p.a. Of cos, i cant afford that monthly contribution. At a much lower amount manageable to me, the rate was still a decent 1.00% p.a.

Today, checked my acct online and was wondering why my interest accrued for this month was so much lower than last month - even though adding in this month’s contribution, i shd logically be earning more. Found that the rate had dropped from 1.00% to … 0.40%! The highest rate was 0.6%.

This is ridiculous! High yield accts in the US were giving as much as 3.5% p.a. before the crisis when Sg rates were like 1%. With inflation usually above 3% (and over 6% last year), $ in the bank is actually losing value!

Guess i shd head out to the designer boutiques soon then.

Once again, someone said i was very funny (ok, she said funny but i know she meant very funny). All the while, i was just feeling so depressed. Yes, while those around me were laughing, thanks to my jokes, i felt like crying.

As i searched for an answer, came across this: "They crack jokes, then they crack up".

Obviously, i am not comparing myself to the great comedians mentioned in the article but i think it applies even to those of us who are not comedians in the professional sense.

Just how do people figure out how to be acceptable to other people?

Me? I think i may have blown all my chances with people. Thus, was thinking of getting a hamster / guinea pig / chinchilla. Did initially consider a puppy but it is too ex and i have too many insecurities. Well, a rodent for a rodent then.

ps. Guess what? Seems these rodenty thingies also have so many issues! Dun like to be handled, need lots of space etc. Guess it is now down to fish (until they go belly up) or a plush toy dog. How did my life come to this?!

Recently, i sorta isolated myself to cope with my depression. No going out, no meeting frens etc. Not that i am any more well-adjusted now. However, something sorta positive came out of it.

Familiar with the UOB One card? I have consistently hit over $800 to get a $80 rebate after 3 consecutive months (this of cos excludes all the expenses charged to my other cards each month). On the last day of this month, i still haven hit $800. And i haven charged to any of my other cards! I think this is the 1st time this has happened in the last 6 yrs or so!

However, my bank acct doesnt seem to be growing at the rate i would logically expect it to be. Perhaps i am just incurring expenses in cash? Thot maybe this isolation would make me less of a financial disaster, but i guess not.

Where is the bloody silver lining to all this depression?!

From the ST Online Discussion Board by "Eagle2004":

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi’s bar.

Taking advantage of her customers’ freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi’s borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern because he has the promissory notes of Heidi’s customers as collateral.

At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then sold and traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager of the bank, ( subsequently fired due his negativity), decided that the time has come to start demanding payment from Heidi for the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi’s bar.

Unfortunately Heidi’s customers cannot pay back any of their debts to Heidi.

Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations to the bank and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by only 80%.

The suppliers of Heidi’s bar, having granted her generous payment terms and also having invested in the securities are faced with a new and desperate situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy and her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. They came up with a miraculous rescue plan that saved the bank.

The funds required for this massive rescue are obtained by levying a new tax on all the non-drinkers.

Was surprised when i saw the World Expo segment on last night’s news. Tan Kay Ngee was cited as the “principle architect” of Kay Ngee Tan Architects.

Thought it should be “principal architect”.

This morning, checked out Channelnewsasia.com for the article. Found it was written as “principle” as well.

Checked dictionary sources online and confirmed it should be “principal”.

Yes, my life is so uneventful that i was obsessed with this issue.

Due to some reason, i am unable to have dinner at home on several nights this week. This morning, after i finished my usual cup of coffee, i found another. I asked my mum why there was a 2nd cup.

She replied that, since i would not be having dinner at home tonight, she decided to make extra coffee for me. Extra coffee in the morning cos i wont have dinner at night makes no sense. I guess she was trying to feed me any way she could, which is her way of relating to me and showing concern.

Awww.

I hate the fact that i am so dependant on others. Not for favours in general, but cos i just cant keep my bloody mouth shut. I may think i am sharing information / insights … but the obvious fact is i talk too much without saying anything. Anything people really want to know, they will take the trouble to ask if they think i know. I should have learnt something by now from the fact that people don’t ask me anything.

My constant dependance on others for company - esp those who routinely ignore me - is something i need to work on seriously. Yah, i know, i have said this a million times, but nothing’s changed.

Have failed in a few more things recently and just getting more and more depressed and angry. If i could only follow through on some of those never-before-accomplished resolutions …

"I would rather spend my life close to the birds than waste it wishing i had wings" - House

What if the birds only want to spend their lives close to those that had wings like them?

"In the age of the broom, we wanted to be swept off our feet. In the era of the vacuum cleaner, we are content to just get sucked." - moi

This article on SWFs is interesting.

Why highlight that the Kuwaiti SWF lost US$30 bn in the headlines … when Temasek lost US$39 bn?

When about half the article is on Temasek?

When there are details on the various Kuwaiti SWFs but nothing on the other SWF in Sg?

On the good side of info sharing, we know that the US$185 bn Temasek fund in 31 Mar 08 fell to US$127 bn in 30 Nov 08.

Ok, i know it is paper losses and these are long term investments. I am fine with the approach cos i do agree with the arguments put forth on how these funds are invested.

I just dun agree that it should take so much more persuasion and effort and drama to unlock S$4.9 bn to help Singaporeans in this recession. S$4.9 bn vs US$58 bn (about S$84 bn). Something sounds wrong with the process.

14 Feb 09 is D-Day. Ok, so i am talking about Valentine’s Day. V-Day is D-Day to some of us.

You know that saying about how, "if you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking"? Well, i think it isnt so much about love at first sight. Generally, i think it is about desperation. When you get desperate enough, you look at the people in the clubs, at the gym, at cafes, at online sites, in chatrooms, in the trains, in queues, at smoking corners, visiting your office for a meeting etc, hoping this is the ONE. You hope that this particular someone might be that special someone. After a while, you accept that you dun really need someone special, just someone. Just anyone.

It was first when the hunks and babes got song dedications and gifts and date invites in JC that V-Day became a noteworthy date in my calendar. Till now, i have never had to worry about securing a reservation at some fancy restaurant or paying exorbitant prices for flowers or chocolates on V-Day. I haven’t had a date on V-Day before.

Or on just about any other day for that matter.

So, here’s to commercialisation making me feel even more inadequate as 14 Feb 09 approaches ( … back to crawling under rock till 15 Feb dawns).

Maybe like me (and 2 gazillion others), you were at Zirca’s first boys’ night party yesterday. So, how was it?

Location is a plus. Especially since i will be spending less on cab fare. And MacDonald’s need not worry about ever closing down with 2 gazillion (and one) boys having supper at the Liang Court outlet. 7-11 is also nearby, so cheap alternatives for drinks and ciggies is a welcome sight.

Drinks are too ex. Before 12, it is 1-4-1, at $50. Works out to $25 a jug. Which isnt that bad. But if you miss that, can you imagine paying $50 a jug?! Guess i wont be overdosing anytime soon, since there is no way i will be getting a jug after 12. Then again, there are bottled beers and cider. But at $16 for an E33, it is pricey compared to max of $14 at other outlets (and only $12 at Play).

Bar messed up a bit. Drinks took forever to arrive for my frens. And staff clearing jugs went ahead to clear jugs that were almost half full! Totally unacceptable! Do they have any idea how precious alcohol is to the gay boy who needs it to un-inhibit himself and approach that cutie?

Layout has its drawbacks. Too many pillars and far too many steps. Certainly a hazard as people try to squeeze thru the crowds. Very unglam if you go splat, right? But 2nd floor that is pretty empty is a big welcome. Smoking room upstairs is pretty glam too!

What’s with the cages for dancers?

Trapeze act was hardly noticed. People too busy watching multitude of boys trying to squeeze into cages.

Pity DJ George. He is right smack in the spotlight and pressure is on him to keep up the energy levels thru the night. Sure, you can jump and work up the crowds at the start. But to have to do that till 4 am? Man, that has got to be draining.

Light panels are impressive. But of cos, you hardly notice them after a while.

Platforms are de rigeur for the boys. Got that right at this club.

So, all said and done, guess they will survive. As did every other gay club before them. Up to a time, that is. 2 yrs is probably the max for these boys’ night. The boys want their variety and so long as the club doesnt get anything too wrong, they will be in business till the crowds start getting bored. It was only the 1st night yesterday, yet my mind is wondering where the next venue will be. Hmmm.

Yup, back in depression.

Friend suggested i see a psychiatrist. He wasn’t suggesting this lightly. He revealed that one of our mutual friends was seeking counselling at the Institute of Mental Health (IMH).

Me? I am not keen on it. There is so little happening in my life. This on-off (more on than off) depression is something for me to focus on. It keeps me occupied. It is my own little pet project to prevent my mind from turning into the devil’s workshop.

I know why i am depressed. I know what i can do about it. But i am not doing anything about it.

I know, that sounds utterly stupid. It is cos, if i try and fail, then i will have to face the fact that i am really beyond help.

I know there are things i can do to get over this. Where it involves others, i think it will be better to not take that option, as, instead of just me being screwed up, i will end up screwing up someone else’s life as well. I am even avoiding getting a pet hamster/chinchilla/dog to relieve my depression (pets are supposed to be therapeutic) as i am afraid that i will end up being the worst thing that ever happened to them. That aside, i am afraid even a dog, which is famed for its unconditional love, will not love me Gosh, if that were to happen, i think i will officially be suicidal.

All this aside, there is something i am not quite getting. When i am in a bad mood, i know i will be bad company. My plan then is to avoid everyone cos i will piss people off. However, people get pissed off that i am not up for all their fun and excitement. Wouldnt it be better not to meet someone who will piss you off?

Ok, so i am a mega pity whore. I have tried telling myself to be grateful for what i have. But i am never happy. I dun think it is in my constitution to ever be happy. I thought of a few things to turn my life around and i have failed in everyone of them, mostly due to my lack of discipline.

I guess i deserve to be unhappy.

Saw this article on ST: “Rush for PR Status“.

For one, i now know that elusive figure of PRs in Singapore: 478,200.

In additional notes, Dr Teo Ho Pin had mentioned that we “must constantly attract talent”. I wonder what the definition of talent is. 

As the foreigners try for PR status to ensure that they can stay around to try for jobs later, Sgeans will have to compete with them. Good luck compatriots! 

[ps. according to this letter, Singapore has 241,000 PRs in the workforce]

I’m glad SM Goh had the sense to say that the reserves have to be drawn down. I used to ask what would constitute THE rainy day that the gov said they were saving for. If they didnt do it now, i have no idea how they will justify it. Then again, do they ever need to justify anything?

But i dun understand the approach of the “Resilience Package”. Just look at this article. It is now the turn of the employers, banks and retail landlords to do the right thing. They have a moral responsibility.

WTF?!

It may be their way of minimising interference so that market forces can find the balance. But seriously, doesnt it look like they are absolving themselves of responsibility? If things dun get better, in theory, it is the fault of the employers, banks and retail landlords. They have no qualms about interfering in every aspect of our lives. But when it is time to actually interfere, they leave it to market forces ala let the banks which sold the complex derivatives like minibonds and high notes settle complaints of mis-selling themselves.

I wonder if we are paying them so much because it is harder to do nothing than something.

On the other hand, i am glad that we have reserves that we can draw down in these times. Credit goes to the gov for that.