What’s the point?

Know the saying ‘cutting off the nose to spite the face’? Looks like i am about to do that.

As i wait in eager anticipation for the year end bonus and performance bonus that will be paid out at the end of the financial year, am looking for jobs. Strangely, i made a good enough impression on one of the recruiters that she is actively sourcing for opportunities for me. Her last opportunity means a pay cut but i am still tempted to leave my current job. After looking closely at the job scope, i realise i will die at the new job but still …

I know it is counter-productive to keep looking for jobs if i dun want to leave cos of the bonuses (despite the downturn, i know my bonuses will still be substantial. i can actually take a holiday in NYC with just one of the bonus payouts!)

Basically, i am crying out for attention and some excitement. A few weeks back, i went into an amazing period of restlessness and was almost going insane. I couldnt really explain why but somehow, i just felt that everything that was simmering was coming to a boil. My personal inadequacies were being compounded by my loneliness and lack of a career to make it all worthwhile. I thought leaving this place would be the silver bullet. I know that is really really dumb and pure ‘frying pan into the fire’ but that was all i could think of.

Am trying to calm myself down and be more rational. Keep reminding myself of the reasons for why i want to leave and decided that if it meets those goals, i will take a pay cut, sacrifice my bonuses and split.

Maybe i can then delude myself that my current (and soon-to-be ex-) colleagues will miss me when i am gone and feel better about my life.

That aside, i dun like my nose anyway.

In 1991, my brother was getting married and so we got to know the bride’s side. Amongst them was this very pretty 12 yr old. I was a couple of years older and had a crush on her (obviously, i didnt know then). Then my cousin told me that he had a crush on her and i totally gave up any interest in her.

There was no way i could compete with him. He was much better looking, a lot more athletic, closer to her age. If there was the slightest chance she was in her right mind, she would pick him over me. I didnt tell him i too had a crush on her.

Last night, i was very glad to run into Mr East Meets East even though i had initially planned not to club. Then my fren told me he liked that guy.

There was no way i could compete with him. He is much better looking, has a much better body, closer to his age. If there was the slightest chance my crush was in his right mind, he would pick my fren over me. Though my fren knows i think that guy is cute, I didnt tell him i too had a crush on him. My fren went on to approach him and i now can flush down the toilet all my fantasies of getting to know him.

Wow, things dun change much do they?

And there goes all motivation to get to work on time

I now have motivation to make it to office on time.

During the morning ride to work, saw this guy i have been eyeing at the club for some time. For once, some guy i fancy lives in the east

Unfortunately, we were in different cabins and i only saw him when i had transferred and he was exiting at my transit station.

Ok, that is confusing. Basically, i transferred to the North-bound train at City Hall and i saw him exiting at City Hall. And he was in a suit! Yay! Good chance he’s an exec too. Or he could be a salesman. Then again, if he had seen me this morning, he would have thought i was a salesman.

Funny thing is, just yesterday, i was fantasising about running into him on the morning train … and voila!

Of course, it could be a one-off and i may never ever never ever see him again And also, all this just at the point when i was thinking of reactivating my early morning gym workout routine (yah, the one where i have to get up at 5.15 am!). Guess i am being told not to bother with that since i will end up missing him

Wonder where all this will lead to …

Ok, probably nowhere. But at least something to keep me occupied.

Ok, so Mark Richmond had to touch on the topic of the nationality of the table tennis team. And he pointed out that many other countries, including France, Croatia and Portugal also have foreign-born athletes.

Of course, he had to be pc. If it were me, i would just point out that USA and the Netherlands also have Chinese (ex)nationals in their team. If anything, we should congratulate ourselves on picking the right ones among those available and for grooming them to get into the finals

That aside, much as i have no interest in table tennis and am hardly patriotic, was caught in the moment on Friday and joined my colleagues in cheering on the table tennis team. Blame it on the adrenaline rush. Anyway, think Feng Tianwei deserves a National Day award for this

And Usain Bolt broke the 100 m world record in total style. Just irritated that he decided to slow down at the last 20 m on purpose. And Michael Phelps has written Olympic history for years, nay, decades to come.

I had mentioned that i will probably deactivate my connection to the world sooner or later. And i have.

Strangely enough, it wasnt for the reason that i had anticipated.

Suddenly, a gush of ‘online-ism’ swept over my office and everyone wanted to be in on the action. How could i possibly explain not wanting to be part of this family online?

Hence, it had to go.

Now, i am pretty much off the radar in the virtual world.

Just wondering how Matt (my imaginary name for a real guy whose intentions towards me i could not ascertain during clubbing) will now find me …

Of course, i could just call him on his mobile to let him know.

Yes, i don’t know his name but i know his number! (wasn’t my fault, some guy was hitting on him and his screen was in plain view as he was typing out the number. … hmmm, should i?)

So, it seems Anwar Ibrahim will be charged in court on Thursday 7 Aug. Which means that, if he is not allowed out on bail, he will not be able to campaign for the by-election in the constituency vacated by his wife, though he can still contest it.

Easiest way for Anwar to win is actually to be denied bail. He will have an easier job winning if he is not present than if he is.

An absent candidate becomes a symbol. A symbol is stronger than flesh and blood.

Waiting with bated breath for the election happenings. Unless he is charged and found guilty … in which case we will see if hell hath no fury like some malaysians scorned.

Many a time, i have complained about the absolute lack of quality in the letters to ST Forum. Some are plain dumb, irrelevant, pointless and add no value to public discourse.

Yet, today, i read this letter and am absolutely impressed. It explains, elucidates, illuminates, educates, entertains and informs, among other things. Way to go!

Every Monday morning - or Sun night for that matter - i tell myself that last night was the last night of clubbing. While i do get depressed looking at others being with someone or finding someone, sometimes i amaze myself with the serenity with which i just smile at the ongoings and feel totally at peace with my fate of loneliness.

And i repeat the guilt trip all over again the following week.

And this morning, i did something to establish a connection with certain people. Even i was surprised at my abject failure. I avoid contact, and when a moment arises when i crave it, there is noone for me to connect with.

This is getting tiring. Even for me.

ps. just when i thought all hope is lost …. hope arrives in the unlikeliest form …

Ikea’s 2009 catalogue is out! Yes! YES!