What’s the point?

The last week or so has been hectic. With Deepavali just over, am tallying the $ damage done and it is scary. That aside, the confrontations with mum went to a whole new level as i started arguing with her in front of everyone. Everyone kept asking me why i was so tensed about everything.

Why am i so tensed about everything?

I guess it is the same old same old. Thoughts about being alone. About having to live the rest of my life with my mum whom i cannot get along with. Financial instability with the recession. Not being able to look for a new job when i want to leave this place after too many years spent here. The idea of growing 1 year older in a few weeks. Realising i have no ‘purpose’ in life.

Of course, mortality visited me in a grand old way. A week ago, was supposed to meet some frens and as i was getting ready to leave the office for this happy get-together, something had to happen.

There was blood in my urine. Sure, i have had blood in my urine before and the medical tests turned out negative for anything catastrophic. But this was different.

The urine wasn’t just dark, there were drops of blood. Actual drops of blood. As in, after i finished peeing, blood dripped out. And the pain was horrible. Seriously horrible. Despite the pain, i felt i would look like i was finding excuses not to attend the tete-a-tete. So, off i went to meet them. As i looked visibly unwell, it was easy to convince them it was the flu and managed to leave early.

Which was worse: the physical pain or the fear of not knowing what it was? Or the fact that i felt i had noone to talk to about it and cried in my bed till i drifted off to sleep?

Surprisingly, while the pain lingered a little, the blood stopped the next day. I never dared to see a doctor about it. The idea of the prodding and catheter-insertion seriously freaked me out. Just hoping (cant say praying cos i am supposed to be atheist now right?) that it was a one-off incident with nothing to worry about.

Immediately, the melamine-tainted milk issue came to mind. Kidney problems were a melamine-milky thingy right? And i do drink lots of milk for an adult, so perhaps i was susceptible? Or could it be an STI?

Discounting the very last incident (which, due to certain considerations, i am sure is legally, ethically, morally, epistemologically, philosophically discountable) , i last had sex 1 yr 2 mth ago. Yup, not 14 days or weeks but 14 months. How possible was it that i was getting a flare-up of an STI when i last had sex 14 mths ago?

This of course is another depressing thing that is stressing me out. Will i ever again? I mean, if i really wait to be in a relationship (or at least be dating) before i have sex, will it ever happen? Then again, the other few invitations i had were from guys whom i think can be categorised as ‘trolls’ - guys noone else (presentable) wanted to sleep with. That, of course, says a lot about where i stand (where do i collect my ‘trollhood’ membership card?).

It is worrying that, right after a fun, happy event during lunch, i was back at my cubicle crying. Dunno how i suddenly just started tearing out of nowhere. I see the signs of depression all over. Actually, i think my target is just to prevent it from escalating into suicidal sentiments. After all, as an atheist, i am supposed to value the one life i have right?

Wish me luck.

You NEED to hear this podcast on This American Life to understand how the current financial crisis came about. More important than that, you need to understand what the potential problems are now that the crisis is perceived to have been brought ‘under control’. As long as the underlying non-regulation is not resolved, things can only repeat themselves.

On a related note, i was thinking about how pathetic my life is … but also took a moment to see how much worse it could have been. I know i have mentioned before that i am proud to have no outstanding loans, save for the loan on my flat. But i think that is worth thinking about again and again. In these gloomy times, there is a need to look at those things that make you feel there is hope. I could have been one of those statistics of bankrupt graduates in their 30s, yet i managed to save myself from the paths to hell which leverage can lead to. As much as that is self-congratulatory, i think this is well worth congratulating myself for.

Is something wrong with the courts system today? Or are the reporters just a lil off?

Saw this article "Woman charged for sex with teen". Basically, the 32-yr old woman had sex with a 15-yr old boy. Sounds reasonable as i guess there is some law prosecuting an adult for having sex with an under-16.

But the article specifies that "(u)nder the Penal Code, any person convicted of sexual penetration of a minor under 16 can be jailed for up to 10 years or fined or both".

The minor is a boy ….

so, how can the woman be charged for sexual penetration of the minor boy? Or … is there something (you know, toys, cucumbers, bottle etc) not being mentioned here?

So, you know 3 guys have been charged with contempt of court for the implication of their kangaroo-in-judge’s-robe T-shirts. Today has this article on this issue.

According to the article, "(t)he men had not been allowed inside the courtroom because of their T-shirts".

If you are NOT INSIDE a courtroom during a court procedure, how do you get charged with contempt of court? I thought contempt of court is DURING a court proceeding, when you are present in the court. This is my understanding from all the TV dramas i’ve watched. And these guys were OUTSIDE Court No 4B.  If you "insult" the court outside the courtroom, this charge cannot be applied right?

Obviously, i am no lawyer (though i have been contemplating taking up the part-time distance learning Law degree from UOL), but i think i am making sense. What say you?

the inaugural Global Handwashing Day.

Seriously! And you think our national campaigns are worthy of amusement.

On a related note, i wish i could wash my hands off certain things. The last week has been so bad i have been at breaking point for a while. The last refuge has turned into a zoo and i am not sure how much longer i can last. Yeterday, the first crack in the dam’s walls appeared and it wasn’t pretty.

I havent told my family i am gay, how am i going to tell them i am probably on the road to being an atheist?

Gay? Atheist? Smoker? Alcohol Abuser?

Fortunately, they already know i am Indian.

I did admit that i have been jealous lately, but some of my opinions are still pretty justifiable.

Now that the Serangoon Gardens dormitory issue has been more or less settled, much to the chagrin of the SG residents, just wanted to say how much it irritated me.

I appreciate the active citizenry. I am not gonna pretend that all those non-politically correct things they say about security, safety, noise, littering etc are things that dun run through our minds as well. Education, awareness and communication are supposed to help us get over those things but they arent working well or fast enough.

Funny thing is, SG residents saw it as an US (Singapore residents) vs THEM (foreign workers) issue. To me, it was an US (upper middle class residents of SG) vs THEM (middle or working class Singapore residents) issue. The fact has always been that everyone else just had to accept their fate when foreign workers were sited nearby (eg in Jurong, Geylang, Little India). However, the SG residents felt that when it came to their turn, their sentiments had to be taken into consideration. Did anyone care what Jurong residents felt?

Singaporeans are all equal but Serangoon Garden residents are more equal?

Please dun tell me this has nothing to do with class or money. I can understand (but not necessarily accept) human prejudices, but hypocrisy is something else altogether.

A surefire way to be unhappy is to be jealous of others’ success. That is what i have been unfortunately indulging in recently.

I sorta made resolutions to deal with my unhappiness, but i am just not letting go.

That aside, i cant stop obsessing about those people who just seem intentionally oblivious to my existence. And given the magnitude of the numbers involved, you know how busy i am with this then.

All these aside, i have been accused of being a difficult person yet again. Just because i am different doesnt mean that i am being difficult.

As much as you are tired with all this, so am i. I know the first step in finding peace is learning to love yourself, but seriously, looking at the kind of things i think and do, can you blame me for my self-loathing?

Oh, and everything at work has just started getting suckier. Thanks.