Yup, back in depression.
Friend suggested i see a psychiatrist. He wasn’t suggesting this lightly. He revealed that one of our mutual friends was seeking counselling at the Institute of Mental Health (IMH).
Me? I am not keen on it. There is so little happening in my life. This on-off (more on than off) depression is something for me to focus on. It keeps me occupied. It is my own little pet project to prevent my mind from turning into the devil’s workshop.
I know why i am depressed. I know what i can do about it. But i am not doing anything about it.
I know, that sounds utterly stupid. It is cos, if i try and fail, then i will have to face the fact that i am really beyond help.
I know there are things i can do to get over this. Where it involves others, i think it will be better to not take that option, as, instead of just me being screwed up, i will end up screwing up someone else’s life as well. I am even avoiding getting a pet hamster/chinchilla/dog to relieve my depression (pets are supposed to be therapeutic) as i am afraid that i will end up being the worst thing that ever happened to them. That aside, i am afraid even a dog, which is famed for its unconditional love, will not love me 
Gosh, if that were to happen, i think i will officially be suicidal.
All this aside, there is something i am not quite getting. When i am in a bad mood, i know i will be bad company. My plan then is to avoid everyone cos i will piss people off. However, people get pissed off that i am not up for all their fun and excitement. Wouldnt it be better not to meet someone who will piss you off?
Ok, so i am a mega pity whore. I have tried telling myself to be grateful for what i have. But i am never happy. I dun think it is in my constitution to ever be happy. I thought of a few things to turn my life around and i have failed in everyone of them, mostly due to my lack of discipline.
I guess i deserve to be unhappy.