What’s the point?

Got this in the email:

A SOULFUL RELATIONSHIP by Rev. Ronald McFadden  

If you’re not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it. An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open; And after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don’t let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem, make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really important. Once you decide to commit to someone, over time his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you’ve got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together. Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control?
  
What do you bring  to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust,
past pain? You can’t take someone to the altar to ‘Alter’ him or her. You can’t make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won’t find
yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.  Manipulation,
control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship! Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship. What keeps a relationship strong? Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note). Leave a nice message on the voicemail or send a nice
email. Sharing common goals and interests. Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest.
  
You can’t always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don’t try to control one another. Learn each other’s family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless. Don’t put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace the passion. The difference between ‘United’ and ‘Untied’ is where you put the "i".

I have often wondered if pp, even my family for that matter, will miss me when i am gone (yup, more mortality issues). I guess i need not be too worried as i have my niche.

Seems i am the family banker. One sibling still owes me a sum that was to be repaid in Feb. Now, another sibling borrowed on behalf of an extended family relative.

Of cos, i am incapable of saying NO. Though i have reduced the liability by offering less than asked. However, am fully aware that pp can fool this system by padding up the initial request. Let’s see how it all turns out.

In other news, aimless drifting is soaring to new heights (or sinking to new lows?). Now, i dun even have the mood to watch tv (when previously, all i used to do was lie in front of the telly). All i do when i get home is lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling. Then i drift off to sleep - at 9 pm.

Had this big family thing to celebrate the matriarch’s upcoming birthday. As with all events involving my family, lots of unneccesary drama in the runup to the gathering. At the end, i guess all’s well that ends well.

Taking a step back, i saw my mom with her kids, son/daughter-in-laws (except for one who was single - moi! moi!) and bunch of grandkids. I was thinking, if having people around to celebrate your milestones is the measure of a life well-lived, then perhaps my mum didnt do too badly.

First time ever, i was The Man, as the meal was my treat (faux pas - did not realise there was no service charge and hence had failed to tip the staff!).

Feel esp guilty about not tipping as staff sorta made my day … they asked me if i was celebrating my grandmother’s birthday. There were 3 generations at the gathering: my parent, my siblings and the grandkids. To think that they thought i fit into the 3rd generation rather than the 2nd was amusing, since i am 18 yrs older than the oldest grandchild!

The thing that got me thinking at the end was a casual observation. Noticed that my eldest brother’s hair looked a lil different. Then figured out that it was cos he had puffed it up a lil to cover the balding patches. It hit me. My eldest brother is a few years away from hitting 50!

In my 30s, i have nothing to show for my time on earth. When i hit 50 - if i survive till then - what will i have to show for it?

Heard of Charity Dinners? Yah, they are those things (called Galas) where you pay 5k and up for a table for some charitable cause.

Seems some of my colleagues wanted to host a Charity lunch. Totally at market prices, no markup. The charitable cause?

Me.

Yup, i guess i have hit the lowest possible level of patheticity and it must show on my face.

My colleagues who never ever ask me out to lunch invited me to join them. When i saw the email, their bleeding hearts were oozing thru the screen.

Of cos, i said no (and i wonder why i complain i am isolated).

Funny thing is, despite their unadulterated overwhelming kindness, they did not invite that does.not.speak colleague of mine. You see? I wasnt exaggerating when i hinted that he was a possible-serial-killer-kinda-weirdo-cyborg!

My chat/lunch buddy is away from the office for a few days and i am left with one other colleague. I dun think i have been this stressed for some time. At least, not for this reason.

He doesn’t speak. Not as in not chatty, but just as in, he. doesn’t. speak.

After a very lengthy speech from me, i get a monosyllabic response. Even when it isn’t a yes/no question. Like .. what is your favourite colour? … will be answered with a yes or no or just absolute stony silence.

Me being the ultimate talkathon, this is soo stressing me out. I tried to make polite conversation, make jokes, say controversial stuff etc just to elicit a response. But this guy is soo perfect for POW torture. He will not budge no matter how much i push.

So, i guess i shd learn a thing or two from him.

Starting with … i dun talk to him. At all. If i need to communicate with him for work reasons, i send an email. Even though he is my next-cubicle neighbour. If he asks me a question, i try (very very) hard to limit my number of words. Where possible, i try to go for yes/no answers (you have noooo idea how this is killing me!). Eventually he has to notice that i who am overly chatty am not even barely conversational with him.

Let’s get real here. It’s not like he is gonna change. This is just who he is. (or what he is. he really could be a cyborg, he is THAT emotionless) So, maybe the divinely ordained lesson in all this is to train me to shut up. Which we all know i need to.

Now i have 2 guys in my office whom i try to talk to and who both avoid/ignore me. Great.

That aside, luuurve Hush Hush by the Pussycat Dolls!

I knew i shd not be doing it … yet i went ahead anyway. Did something that will cause me depression and unsurprisingly, it caused me to go on a tailspin. Bad enough that i started smoking when i was on a break from it (yeah, i know, excuses).

In other news, no bonus for us civil servants!

Actually, nothing surprising right? Good enough that got job with no pay cut as yet. Guess i will have to stay in this stinking place at least till next Apr when the Perf Bonus is (hopefully) paid out.

Great Singapore Sale is back!

Yet, i have no urge to buy anything!! Is something seriously wrong with me??

Then again, this lack of an urge to contribute to the multiplier effect has meant that i am rich enough to take a trip to NYC! Well, almost. Then again, it doesnt matter. For some reason, i have lost interest in travelling altogether. And lost interest in … well … everything i think. Can you believe i will have the place to myself over the weekend and all i wanna do is … read and sleep. Not even considering going clubbing! WTH?!

All that aside, finally paid a visit to the gym after … forever. And am grievously ill since then! This is a sign i tell you.