Seriously, why?
Just about everything today was bad. Apart from being forced to wake up much earlier than planned cos of renovation noise outside to wasting almost 2 hours travelling for some event i didnt want to attend to a meal which i ended up throwing away, everything has been bad.
Back in depression cos my imagination went into drama mode and i almost started tearing on the train. I already know the sensible thing to do is see a doctor. But am not going to.
I have always been depressed. I am not coping with it but i dun know how to live my life any other way, i think. It’s like getting into a relationship. I am not happy being single but am pretty sure i will be a lot more unhappy in a relationship cos i just will screw it up for someone else, apart from myself. I can’t do happy.
Just when you think the depressing day is ending, my mum tells me a piece of news. There is this one black collared top i absolutely love. It is absolutely wrinkle-free. And looks silky/satiny. I feel good when i wear it. I dun feel as ugly as at other times. I bought it with my hard-earned money when i was still schooling and doing part-time work. It was originally $60 but was at 20% off, so that made it $48. I walked around and around the display asking myself if i should buy it cos it was so pricey then to me, as i was earning very little. After probably about an hour, i finally bought it. It was for Deepavali, so i tried to justify the purchase by telling myself this was a special occasion. That was 10 years ago. I still remember the day i bought that T. It remains a very important symbol to me of some better times in my life, when i felt a lot better about myself. Just some days ago, i wore it cos i wanted to feel better about myself. I did for that day.
Seems the bamboo pole with the T fell today and someone took the T away.
Maybe i shouldn’t have tried to feel better about myself some days ago.