What’s the point?

Thought this should be my new motto.

Well, remember distractio maximus? Well, some of those things have come to an end. While some others have been again postponed. So, time to take stock and make new resolutions?

Next year, if things go according to plan, will be a major change for me. And i always like big bangs, so thought of making some radical changes to commemorate that.

As i have been at home for a few days recently with very little to focus my mind on, it obviously started wandering. Realise that in my group of friends, one is rich, one is financially stable, good looking and with a hunky body, and another is well-connected to tons of people. In comparison i have nothing to offer. I kinda wonder again, why do i bother when nothing good can come out of it all?

So, am trying to achieve some old resolutions in the next 6 months or so (resolutions for 2008 i might add!) with some of those pretty urgent since i will be turning another year older pretty soon!

Wish me luck. But dun make any bets cos we all know the odds of me succeeding!

ps. as part of resolutions, just burnt almost $400 on supplements! argh! 

Remember how i said i am banker to the family? Now i have expanded my operations.

Someone i hardly meet but whom my family goes back a long way with, visited me for Deepavali. That was on Sunday. Today, this family friend called to ask for a loan.

I trust this person and believe i will be paid back. (then again, even if i din, i would probably have ‘lent’ it anyway)

But i am still surprised that the person called me since we aren’t close. In fact, Deepavali was the second time we communicated this year. And none for the last year or so. In contrast, it is pretty tough for me to ask someone for a loan. I once did it cos it was obvious to that person that i would need help since i was unemployed then. And i decided that i shd ask for a loan of a small amt just so that person will not start doign some research and realise i had a ton of debt. That person was my brother.

Obviously, i am lousy at saying no. I have tried and end up feeling guilty - though i know there is no need for me to feel so. Just me, i guess.

And no, this is not an invitation to YOU to also start asking me for loans!

This has to be a first.

The only time you see me talking about the same issue in successive posts is when i am whining about my life. However, due to a strange series of events, am blogging about this movie i had known nothing about, 3 times!

I have learnt something from the professionals and shall apply it here:

"Spoiler ahead".

Yup that is about all i have learnt, as you will see from my post that i have absolutely no review skills. But when has the lack of skill ever stopped anyone from doing something?

One comment from a friend kind of coloured my perception of the movie. He said they were all theatre actors.

How does that matter? Things get exaggerated on the stage cos only something larger than life will get across. On screen, that just comes across as bad acting. At the start, i felt that my friend’s opinion was actually correct. However, as the film went on, i felt things got a bit more settled.

Some random thoughts since i obviously have no structure in mind. You already know from my previous post that i saw a remarkable resemblance to a certain family in Sg. As you listen to the dialogues about suing everyone, it just sinks in more. However, i am unsure of how much to read into that setting. Is it biographical - does the writer know something we don’t? Or is it meant to be representative of Sg - that we as a people have been forced to live lives against our wishes? Or is it just about a patriarchal family in an East Asian society? Obviously, i will leave it to you to decide for yourself.

It was getting a lil annoying when you can see the jokes coming. Like when the ghost father says exactly what the children suggest he would have said. And the caricatures of the indian detective and his assistant. And references in the movie to how the movie inspector is behaving just like a movie inspector in an Agatha Christie story. Bleah.

How was the acting? Like i mentioned, it was a lil too theatrical at first. There seemed to be great emphasis on stressing every word and facial expression. However, as the story carries on, it slowly recedes into the background and the story tells itself better without the actors forcing it on you. And the language! It was all too Queen’s English for me. Anyone who watches this will swear Ris Low is not from Sg. There is the occasional ‘la’ but all the pristine grammar and diction make it so unreal. A local movie that i had difficulty identifying with. No doubt, they are of a certain class and had elocution lessons from age 2 but still! 

One thing came to mind - how Forever Fever was ‘neat’. In that somehow everything sort of settled into place and the remaining loose ends did not trigger new questions. As i said, this is a spoiler, so i can tell you the ending makes you realise the whole movie was for nothing. But it is about the journey, no? And the journey was worth it. It was in the tradition of ‘whodunit’ where the answer is ‘no one’. The movie makers may have been gunning for a shock epiphany ending but i dun think it was carried thru that well. The Director doing a cameo is very M. Night Shyamalan but the ending wasn’t quite Sixth Sense. 

Another point to highlight. When the (another spoiler!) topless female scene came on, i immediately thought it was gratuitous. However, after seeing the successive scenes, i felt it was necessary. I might even say it was one of those few times i felt the naked body was used very well for its significance to the story. Almost felt it was as necessary as the (almost) naked scenes in American Beauty, a movie i regard very highly.

One thing which resonated with me. As Deepavali just passed, had to face the inevitable question of when i was getting married. Thought people had decided to move on as haven heard it in quite a while. And this led to me eating a lot of chocolates. How? When they asked the question, i immediately popped a Ferrero Rocher stacked on the table into my mouth so i could mumble a ‘hmm. emm’ sorta thing. I ate quite a no of Rochers i tell you.

Now back to the movie-resonate-with-me part. The movie hints that the children sorta do what they honestly want after the parents pass away. And i was telling myself that i felt that i could only come out to my family after my mum passes on. No matter how much i think my siblings will not bother about this (i am guessing they cant all be so daft not to have guessed by now), i jus dun see how i can do this while she is around. Something tells me she wouldnt really care but knowing how drama-mama she is, she will make a big scene of it with everyone and i will never encounter peace again. A pity that, for some, the shadows of our parents suffocate us. Sure, you can say it is an individual choice but actions have consequences and not all of us can bear them.

But overall, i would say it was a good movie. Not cos it was a local movie and needs support, but because it was a movie i enjoyed. Sure, it wasn’t perfect in my view, but i think it was well-acted (really!) with good character development and a story that was entertaining, though it did get OTT at some points. 

Go catch it! 

One of the reasons i have been hanging around this place is cos i learnt that i can be considered for promotion next year (unlike pte sector, ordinary govt officers only get promotions several years after the last one, hence have been waiting for this for a while). I dun need the title or the extra ‘challenges’. Just that a promotion will double the increment (increment, not salary!) i could be getting without a promotion. Hence, looking forward to it.

Just learnt that my boss is coming up with new guidelines which will take me off the list.

Thanks for nothing!

"For an indian, you’re not that bad."

Wow. If this is what a friend thinks of me, i can imagine what others think.

Seriously, why?

Just about everything today was bad. Apart from being forced to wake up much earlier than planned cos of renovation noise outside to wasting almost 2 hours travelling for some event i didnt want to attend to a meal which i ended up throwing away, everything has been bad.

Back in depression cos my imagination went into drama mode and i almost started tearing on the train.  I already know the sensible thing to do is see a doctor. But am not going to.

I have always been depressed. I am not coping with it but i dun know how to live my life any other way, i think. It’s like getting into a relationship. I am not happy being single but am pretty sure i will be a lot more unhappy in a relationship cos i just will screw it up for someone else, apart from myself. I can’t do happy.

Just when you think the depressing day is ending, my mum tells me a piece of news. There is this one black collared top i absolutely love. It is absolutely wrinkle-free. And looks silky/satiny. I feel good when i wear it. I dun feel as ugly as at other times. I bought it with my hard-earned money when i was still schooling and doing part-time work. It was originally $60 but was at 20% off, so that made it $48. I walked around and around the display asking myself if i should buy it cos it was so pricey then to me, as i was earning very little. After probably about an hour, i finally bought it. It was for Deepavali, so i tried to justify the purchase by telling myself this was a special occasion. That was 10 years ago. I still remember the day i bought that T. It remains a very important symbol to me of some better times in my life, when i felt a lot better about myself. Just some days ago, i wore it cos i wanted to feel better about myself. I did for that day.

Seems the bamboo pole with the T fell today and someone took the T away. 

Maybe i shouldn’t have tried to feel better about myself some days ago.

This article has a very interesting take on homophobia and its consequences.

Reminds me of one of the wives in Brokeback Mountain, whom i thought was the one who suffered the most among the lot.

But seriously, a term like "mixed orientation marriages"? Enough already. 

Thankful that i am not gonna put someone else through this hell. Not that it never crossed my mind. When i was ‘questioning’ ie. wasn’t quite sure if i was gay when i was a teenager, i thought marriage was the only option.  Thank goodness for my uni education which really opened my eyes to the notion that marriage was an opportunity, not an eventuality. 

Ok, so it didn’t make it to 1000 nights. But it was long by most standards.

After 756 nights, i had sex.

Well, still thinking about the point of it all. With someone who did not want to exchange numbers with me. Whose name i could not really catch. In a drunken stupor. Someone whom i could possibly run into in the future but have no idea how to react when and if it happens. If we recognise each other at all that is. 

There i was thinking i just might do it next with someone i was dating, with whom i could possibly be in a relationship. Yet, it was random and mindless. I could say i was drunk … but i know it was a conscious decision. My self-esteem has been dipping further slowly, and perhaps this was a way to make myself feel worthy of some attention.

Except those who saw the partner in crime (not in action of course!) said he wasnt cute. Do they not realise Cute is not an option for me? (sidenote: i thought the guy was cute actually)

On the bright side, his flatmate (who wasnt in) had a really cute dog! If anything, i remember stroking the dog more than stroking the guy! This was a supremely easygoing dog who did not bark when i walked in (bad guard dog!). I know the next bit sounds pathetic but bear with me … after i was dressed and about to leave, the dog kept tugging at me and i just sat at the door of that guy’s room patting the dog for a good few minutes. When he walked out after a while, think he must have been so freaked out. 

Anyway, there ends another spell.

Start of another i guess.  

Inaction and calculated reservation just might pay off! Read this from Mr Wang.

In Jul 09, there was a promotion for a free Macbook if you signed up for this cost-more-than-usual Singet package. Was tempted cos i felt like getting a new laptop and thought Singnet should do as well as my current Starhub. After all, my current Starhub contract should be over by now.

But it came with some Miotv thing which i didnt want. And i didnt know if i could maintain my cable tv if i had to sign up for this miotv thing as well. Didnt know if my current connection would be affected. Did i need to sign up for any new accounts which would disrupt my current click-and-surf connection? And the white Macbook (ie. old series) was not free since the 2-yr contract promo costs like $600+ more than just the std internet connection package, but still a saving as the laptop costs like $1600 almost now. At the end, while waiting and waiting and thinking and thinking … it was 1 Aug 09. Promo over!

Now i read about all these complaints and think … sometimes laziness saves the day.

But no new laptop then?

You kidding me?! Just bankrupted myself getting a new laptop! And it aint no slow white 13 inch macbook (hint hint!).

And another idea hit me. Always had this fantasy of chilling out at cafes surfing the net and chatting etc. Just never did it cos dunno how to use that Wireless free surfing thingy. Now found out i can sign another 2 yr contract and get free mobile surfing modem! But i realise my new laptop will also probably never see the world outside my room … but still. Maybe, just maybe

Sounds like something Harry Potter would say after waving his wand? Well, i certainly need magic to do what i hope to accomplish.

Am trying to distract myself to the max so that i wont be in constant depression over the state of my life. Cause of depression is the usual, so not much to add here, except that my way-too-many anniversary at this sucky job and 2nd anniversary of celibacy do exacerbate things

(did you get that? 2 YEARS of NO SEX!)

And the distractions?

Am taking night classes.

Am reactivating my driving lessons.

Am going to the gym.

Considering getting a new handphone.

And a new laptop.

And checking out private property which i know very well i can’t afford.

I even started doing work … during office hours.

And i am still not distracted enough out of depression! Argh!

The scene that i will remember from the movie:

As August approaches, i am getting jittery cos it is not in the mail yet.

Yes, am referring to the Ikea catalogue! It is almost end-Jul and yet i havent had a chance to feast on the latest options. Not that i am seriously gonna purchase anything, since i already had the overhaul done last year. But still … so little else to look forward to right? Lying in bed with dim lighting in my room looking at those dreamy rooms and happy people is contentment for me.

(now that you know what din arrive, guess what did? My bloody income tax charge! Nabey! My tax just about doubled!)

So, when people say spring cleaning, you think of … Dusting the shelves, clearing the closets, housekeeping of random stuff under the bed etc.

Me?

I went through this toiletry bag in a drawer to check the expiry date of my … condoms and lube. Surprise surprise! Had stuff that expired in 2005! After clearing all the expired stuff, found i had 104 condoms left. All of which were from the freebies given out at AfA events (i stopped buying condoms over 2 years ago once i noticed i din have opportunities to use them). Not that i was actively collecting them, one of the give-outers/distributors just dumped a whole bunch in my bag once. Was on the verge of just throwing all away as a symbolic gesture but felt that would be wasteful. So, back in the bag they went, till i get a chance to use them or they expire. Based on recent experience, we know which will be sooner right?

How do i ‘donate’ new condoms to the ‘needy’? I cant just walk along Geylang and hand them out right? Any space where i can deposit them so they get put to better use, or for that matter, any use?

That aside, why the long absence, you ask? Well, let’s leave that for another time, shall we?

I have often wondered if pp, even my family for that matter, will miss me when i am gone (yup, more mortality issues). I guess i need not be too worried as i have my niche.

Seems i am the family banker. One sibling still owes me a sum that was to be repaid in Feb. Now, another sibling borrowed on behalf of an extended family relative.

Of cos, i am incapable of saying NO. Though i have reduced the liability by offering less than asked. However, am fully aware that pp can fool this system by padding up the initial request. Let’s see how it all turns out.

In other news, aimless drifting is soaring to new heights (or sinking to new lows?). Now, i dun even have the mood to watch tv (when previously, all i used to do was lie in front of the telly). All i do when i get home is lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling. Then i drift off to sleep - at 9 pm.

Had this big family thing to celebrate the matriarch’s upcoming birthday. As with all events involving my family, lots of unneccesary drama in the runup to the gathering. At the end, i guess all’s well that ends well.

Taking a step back, i saw my mom with her kids, son/daughter-in-laws (except for one who was single - moi! moi!) and bunch of grandkids. I was thinking, if having people around to celebrate your milestones is the measure of a life well-lived, then perhaps my mum didnt do too badly.

First time ever, i was The Man, as the meal was my treat (faux pas - did not realise there was no service charge and hence had failed to tip the staff!).

Feel esp guilty about not tipping as staff sorta made my day … they asked me if i was celebrating my grandmother’s birthday. There were 3 generations at the gathering: my parent, my siblings and the grandkids. To think that they thought i fit into the 3rd generation rather than the 2nd was amusing, since i am 18 yrs older than the oldest grandchild!

The thing that got me thinking at the end was a casual observation. Noticed that my eldest brother’s hair looked a lil different. Then figured out that it was cos he had puffed it up a lil to cover the balding patches. It hit me. My eldest brother is a few years away from hitting 50!

In my 30s, i have nothing to show for my time on earth. When i hit 50 - if i survive till then - what will i have to show for it?

Heard of Charity Dinners? Yah, they are those things (called Galas) where you pay 5k and up for a table for some charitable cause.

Seems some of my colleagues wanted to host a Charity lunch. Totally at market prices, no markup. The charitable cause?

Me.

Yup, i guess i have hit the lowest possible level of patheticity and it must show on my face.

My colleagues who never ever ask me out to lunch invited me to join them. When i saw the email, their bleeding hearts were oozing thru the screen.

Of cos, i said no (and i wonder why i complain i am isolated).

Funny thing is, despite their unadulterated overwhelming kindness, they did not invite that does.not.speak colleague of mine. You see? I wasnt exaggerating when i hinted that he was a possible-serial-killer-kinda-weirdo-cyborg!

My chat/lunch buddy is away from the office for a few days and i am left with one other colleague. I dun think i have been this stressed for some time. At least, not for this reason.

He doesn’t speak. Not as in not chatty, but just as in, he. doesn’t. speak.

After a very lengthy speech from me, i get a monosyllabic response. Even when it isn’t a yes/no question. Like .. what is your favourite colour? … will be answered with a yes or no or just absolute stony silence.

Me being the ultimate talkathon, this is soo stressing me out. I tried to make polite conversation, make jokes, say controversial stuff etc just to elicit a response. But this guy is soo perfect for POW torture. He will not budge no matter how much i push.

So, i guess i shd learn a thing or two from him.

Starting with … i dun talk to him. At all. If i need to communicate with him for work reasons, i send an email. Even though he is my next-cubicle neighbour. If he asks me a question, i try (very very) hard to limit my number of words. Where possible, i try to go for yes/no answers (you have noooo idea how this is killing me!). Eventually he has to notice that i who am overly chatty am not even barely conversational with him.

Let’s get real here. It’s not like he is gonna change. This is just who he is. (or what he is. he really could be a cyborg, he is THAT emotionless) So, maybe the divinely ordained lesson in all this is to train me to shut up. Which we all know i need to.

Now i have 2 guys in my office whom i try to talk to and who both avoid/ignore me. Great.

That aside, luuurve Hush Hush by the Pussycat Dolls!

I knew i shd not be doing it … yet i went ahead anyway. Did something that will cause me depression and unsurprisingly, it caused me to go on a tailspin. Bad enough that i started smoking when i was on a break from it (yeah, i know, excuses).

In other news, no bonus for us civil servants!

Actually, nothing surprising right? Good enough that got job with no pay cut as yet. Guess i will have to stay in this stinking place at least till next Apr when the Perf Bonus is (hopefully) paid out.

Great Singapore Sale is back!

Yet, i have no urge to buy anything!! Is something seriously wrong with me??

Then again, this lack of an urge to contribute to the multiplier effect has meant that i am rich enough to take a trip to NYC! Well, almost. Then again, it doesnt matter. For some reason, i have lost interest in travelling altogether. And lost interest in … well … everything i think. Can you believe i will have the place to myself over the weekend and all i wanna do is … read and sleep. Not even considering going clubbing! WTH?!

All that aside, finally paid a visit to the gym after … forever. And am grievously ill since then! This is a sign i tell you.

Update: Andrew Teng played a remix of this song last night at Play!! Soo impressed.

I find the song Unbeautiful by Lesley Roy haunting. The raspy voice, the almost monotone, make it so heart-wrenching for me (yes, yes, very drma).

Don’t hang up, can’t we talk
So confused it’s like I’m lost
What went wrong, what made you go
Don’t pretend you don’t know
This is me I’m unchangable

When did we fall apart
Or did you lie from the start
When you said, it’s only you
I was blind, such a fool
Thinking we were unbreakable

[Chorus]
It was you and me, against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said
Was it something that I did
Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful

[Verse 2]
I’ve been told what’s done is done
To let it go and carry on
Deep inside I know that’s true
I’m stuck in time, stuck on you
We were still untouchable

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up
Cause I’m only dreaming
Get out, get out, get out, get out
Get out of my head now
Because we’re much better altogether

[Chorus] x2
… Made me unbeautiful

Of course, that isnt the only reason. As you are well aware, i am single but that is only in reality. In my fantasies and daydeams, i frequently date and get attached and have adventures and have fights and breakups and date someone new etc. In my most recent episode, a "down-to-earth" guy dates me and all goes well till he suddenly stops all contact with me. So i wonder just what happened. Hence, i was pleasantly surprised by the way "Was it something that i said/Was it something that i did" in the song, which was exactly what i was thinking of asking that guy.

Yes, yes, i know nothing of what i just said makes sense. It is all illogical. But you must understand that i am a very sad pathetic creature who is in constant depression mode. Forgive me thus.

In other news …. something shitty. I mean, literally (stop reading if you want to).

For about 8 days, i had sorta diarrhoea. For the 1st 2 days, it was like 6 times daily. Then for the next 6 days, it wasnt so bad but it was all free-flowing waterfall. When i finally saw some soliddish shit, you have no idea how relieved (pun intended) i was.

So, i thought it was colorectal cancer (damn smoking!) or an effect of the weight loss pills(!). Hmm, maybe my body was rejecting the idea of my losing weight. I am meant to be a chub after all.

An end to another one of my efforts to lose weight. And now i have got this bottle of pills. Something tells me i just might start taking them again cos cant waste money mah. Worry not, if the Niagara starts cascading again, will be sure to stop.  

Nah not complaining again … at least not yet. Am referring to Lily Allen’s latest single "Not Fair". It is sooo good! You really should have a listen to this one. Was impressed from the start with her quirky tunes. This IT gal has certainly delivered, in my view.

Update: Have been doing my part for the economy. Yup, doing retail therapy with facial stuff (even thou i know it wont help), bag, supplements etc. And on the verge plopping down 1k+ for another bag that i do not really need. But what the heck. A laptop, specs, pen, watch are amongst the stuff looming on my relatively healthy credit cards’ horizons

And what is the retail therapy supposed to cure? To begin with, i should not be too depressed. After all, for the 1st time in over a year and a half, someone approached me and i guess it was intended as a pickup. Before you bust my chops for declining the only offer i’ve had, i have to clarify that i just had no interest in this person. I am not gonna break the spell for someone i am not attracted to.

That aside, nothing new.

Oh, i started taking some weight loss pills. Not gonna bother with exercise or diet anymore. If i lose weight, fine. If i dun lose weight, fine. Since no one is gonna care, why should i? (actually, if i dun, then why do i bother taking the pills anyway?!) If there are some side effects that kill me … well … whatever. Just dun get me chronically ill, can oredi.

In one of my earlier posts, i had pointed out that low interest rates are one reason why super-high-saving Sgeans do not seem to have enough at retirement.

I was motivated to save consistently by POSB’s My Savings Account. Interest rates for at least $1500 a month was at about 1.5% p.a. Of cos, i cant afford that monthly contribution. At a much lower amount manageable to me, the rate was still a decent 1.00% p.a.

Today, checked my acct online and was wondering why my interest accrued for this month was so much lower than last month - even though adding in this month’s contribution, i shd logically be earning more. Found that the rate had dropped from 1.00% to … 0.40%! The highest rate was 0.6%.

This is ridiculous! High yield accts in the US were giving as much as 3.5% p.a. before the crisis when Sg rates were like 1%. With inflation usually above 3% (and over 6% last year), $ in the bank is actually losing value!

Guess i shd head out to the designer boutiques soon then.

Once again, someone said i was very funny (ok, she said funny but i know she meant very funny). All the while, i was just feeling so depressed. Yes, while those around me were laughing, thanks to my jokes, i felt like crying.

As i searched for an answer, came across this: "They crack jokes, then they crack up".

Obviously, i am not comparing myself to the great comedians mentioned in the article but i think it applies even to those of us who are not comedians in the professional sense.

Just how do people figure out how to be acceptable to other people?

Me? I think i may have blown all my chances with people. Thus, was thinking of getting a hamster / guinea pig / chinchilla. Did initially consider a puppy but it is too ex and i have too many insecurities. Well, a rodent for a rodent then.

ps. Guess what? Seems these rodenty thingies also have so many issues! Dun like to be handled, need lots of space etc. Guess it is now down to fish (until they go belly up) or a plush toy dog. How did my life come to this?!

Recently, i sorta isolated myself to cope with my depression. No going out, no meeting frens etc. Not that i am any more well-adjusted now. However, something sorta positive came out of it.

Familiar with the UOB One card? I have consistently hit over $800 to get a $80 rebate after 3 consecutive months (this of cos excludes all the expenses charged to my other cards each month). On the last day of this month, i still haven hit $800. And i haven charged to any of my other cards! I think this is the 1st time this has happened in the last 6 yrs or so!

However, my bank acct doesnt seem to be growing at the rate i would logically expect it to be. Perhaps i am just incurring expenses in cash? Thot maybe this isolation would make me less of a financial disaster, but i guess not.

Where is the bloody silver lining to all this depression?!

Was surprised when i saw the World Expo segment on last night’s news. Tan Kay Ngee was cited as the “principle architect” of Kay Ngee Tan Architects.

Thought it should be “principal architect”.

This morning, checked out Channelnewsasia.com for the article. Found it was written as “principle” as well.

Checked dictionary sources online and confirmed it should be “principal”.

Yes, my life is so uneventful that i was obsessed with this issue.

Due to some reason, i am unable to have dinner at home on several nights this week. This morning, after i finished my usual cup of coffee, i found another. I asked my mum why there was a 2nd cup.

She replied that, since i would not be having dinner at home tonight, she decided to make extra coffee for me. Extra coffee in the morning cos i wont have dinner at night makes no sense. I guess she was trying to feed me any way she could, which is her way of relating to me and showing concern.

Awww.

I hate the fact that i am so dependant on others. Not for favours in general, but cos i just cant keep my bloody mouth shut. I may think i am sharing information / insights … but the obvious fact is i talk too much without saying anything. Anything people really want to know, they will take the trouble to ask if they think i know. I should have learnt something by now from the fact that people don’t ask me anything.

My constant dependance on others for company - esp those who routinely ignore me - is something i need to work on seriously. Yah, i know, i have said this a million times, but nothing’s changed.

Have failed in a few more things recently and just getting more and more depressed and angry. If i could only follow through on some of those never-before-accomplished resolutions …